Fact
Did you know 3-10 women in the UK suffer from postnatal depression?
I was one of those 3 when I had my first baby. That was 10 years ago. People never really talked about it openly then.
Looking back
Thinking back there were so many of signs. I loved my baby so much and everything I did for him I did to the best of my ability. He was clean, fed, clothed and adored more than I could put into words. But I struggled with everything else.
The feeling of never being enough was always there. The thought that other people were better mums. That I would forget something, or miss something or do something wrong and he would grow up to be one of those kids. That people would say ‘well no wonder, it’s the way he was brought up’. I wanted to be perfect so badly I drove myself utterly demented.
Broken
Sleep evaded me despite feeling utterly exhausted. No interest in food, I weighed 6 and a half stone at one point, living off cereal. Some days getting out of bed was impossible. Of course I did, the baby needed me. I would put him to bed again that night and sometimes I would just sit in the corner staring at the wall, numb. If I was not numb, I was angry, not at the baby but at other things in life, things I had no control over.
The self-conscious feeling was insane; I would get ready to go somewhere then change my mind at the last minute because I could not face being around people. I so desperately wanted to take my son to baby groups but I would walk through the door and feel as if all eyes were on me. Like I was being judged. My cheeks would flush if someone spoke to me and my voice would sound loud inside my own head, like I was shouting. The self-conscious feeling would amplify and I would grow quieter and quieter. Counting down the seconds until I could escape.
My confidence was pretty much zero. Feeling claustrophobic was suffocating. Especially at night once the baby was in bed. The feeling of not leaving the house would put me on edge. The pressure of needing to washup, tidy up, organise the house would leave my head thumping. Often going to bed achieving nothing, racked with guilt from feeling so useless and praying that tomorrow would be a better day. That I would feel normal and things wouldn’t seem so hard.
I cried a lot. Migraines so often I felt like there was an axe splitting my head in two. I kept my feelings to myself. I just carried on, trying to do my best, I avoided people on my worst days. Switched my phone on silent. Friends and family noticed I’m sure but looking back I think I was so fragile they were maybe scared to say anything.
Turning point
The health visitor phoned, 2 days before my sons first birthday. She was about to end the phone call when she asked ‘Kerry are you ok?’. It must have been the way I paused because the next thing I knew she was at my door. I will be forever grateful to that lovely health visitor. I think the magnitude of keeping my son safe and alive for a whole year had finally caught up on me.
What a relief to talk to someone. I Scored high on the postnatal depression tool, the Health visitor was concerned, immediately phoning the GP. The GP prescribed some antidepressants. I remember just sitting, staring at my hands, just nodding, tears streaming down my face.
That was the start of climbing myself out of the big black hole. I went to counselling and attended CBT sessions. I also made some time for myself. Massages, the odd night out with friends and most importantly I started talking about how I felt. There were two friends during that time. Having struggled with their own mental health, they were amazing. One friend used to drop food parcels at my door and the other seemed to have a sixth sense if I was having a bad day. Spending hours on the phone day or night.
What to look for
I know I wasn’t the easiest person to be around back then, and I will always be eternally grateful to every single person in my life for sticking with me and loving me at my worst.
It’s very common with Postnatal depression to feel a persistent feeling of sadness and low mood. Lack of energy and feeling tired all the time. Trouble sleeping at night and feeling sleepy during the day. Loss of appetite or comfort eating, loss of interest in the world around you and no longer enjoying things that used to give you pleasure. Feeling agitated, irritable and feelings of guilt, hopelessness, and self-blame. Reduced concentration and poor decision making. These symptoms can affect your day-to-day life. Putting a strain on relationships with your baby, your family and friends.
If you think you may be depressed, talk to your GP or health visitor as soon as possible. Accessing the support you need is vital. Don’t struggle on alone hoping the problem will go away.
I wish I had addressed my feelings sooner and got the help I needed a long time before I did. Postnatal depression can develop gradually, and it can be hard to spot. Some parents may avoid talking to family and friends about how they’re feeling because they worry they’ll be judged. I know I did, looking back I should have spoken up sooner.
Gaining control
Once the medication started to work and the fog started to lift, I realised just how low I had been, how much I had been missing out on enjoying life and my baby. Staying on medication for around 18 months – two years, I attended counselling for a long while and I also found meditation.
The biggest turning point for me was learning to recognise the signs. Meditation played a huge part back then at keeping my head in a good place. It is something I practice nightly even now.
There are lots of studies out there around the benefits of hypnobirthing helping in reducing the rates of postnatal depression and I whole heartedly believe it does. After a 5 year struggle with secondary infertility, being pregnant with an IVF baby did make me worry postnatal depression might rear its head again.
Applying those skills
I wanted to be prepared this time. Talking to my husband upfront. Explaining the signs to look out for. Reminding myself of those signs to enable me to act more promptly than I did the first time should those signs reappear. Selfcare, mindfulness and meditation became daily rituals. I absorbed myself with the hypnobirthing tools. I have used these not only in labour, but these past 16 months. In a million different scenarios.
I’m not going to lie, when my milk came in on Christmas day and my brain felt like it was inside a washing machine and my hormones were everywhere. I did wonder if it would happen again.
I just took things a day at a time with my daughter, I know I am a good mum, crikey, I have kept my son alive a decade. He’s an amazing, polite, intelligent young man and I am so proud of him, of us. Marvelling at how far we have come from those early days.
Confession
I have done only one thing different in parenting my daughter, I have been easier on myself. Some days we have won like an absolute boss. Some days have been a little ‘meh’, and that is ok. Do you know why? Because every single one of those days, good or bad, I have done my best. That is all my baby needs. Why did know one tell me that a decade ago? That to my baby I was perfect, and I was enough.
My past postnatal depression is part of who I am and its shaped me in so many ways into the person I am today. I don’t think I would have Beautiful Births for one if I hadn’t of travelled the bumpy road that came before. So to anyone, my friends, my family, clients, strangers, my door is always open. There will never be any judgement. If you need a hug, a friendly ear or just someone to remind you we are all winging it. Someone to tell you that your best is enough. Or you just want to sit in silence and drink a brew, my door is always open! It is ok to not feel ok!
Kerry x
