I’ve always been very honest with my secondary infertility and our IVF journey. The birth of Bonnie our IVF miracle was the beginnings of Beautiful Births.
I recently found out I was pregnant, naturally, no drugs, no wizardry just a wonderful magical miracle. The elation lasted seconds before the panic set in. I only have one fallopian tube, and that was thought to be blocked hence our IVF with Bonnie.
EPAU scanned me promptly and discovered the baby was in fact in my uterus, what a relief. My sickness was next level. Vomiting up to 10 times a day, as grim as it was I felt quietly relieved.
We had another scan and to our absolute amazement they discovered identical twins. Not only had my body done it on its own but there was 2. It’s hard not to get excited, not to let your mind dream. What car would fit 3 car seats and a family of 6, how would we navigate the airport on our already booked holiday for next year, what would we name them, how would I decorate their room.
We were scanned again around 9 weeks and to our utter heartbreak neither baby had a heartbeat. I’ve wandered around in a daze, by some cruel twist still being sick 10 times a day, that just made me angry and sad. I’ve lost babies before, 1 early miscarriage that was over before it began, an ectopic that went the same way and 3 IVF losses that ended faster than they started. This time it felt so real, so positive, so exciting and in a blink it’s all gone.
My body didn’t recognise the loss. I’ve had a love hate relationship with my body and its ability and lack of it to carry babies. The fact it wasn’t doing things on its own has made me feel angry inside. I just wanted the whole thing over, a few weeks ago we opted for medical management.
Our NHS are amazing, they looked after me with care and compassion, even when I created them more work by having an adverse reaction to the medication and they had to magic me an inpatient bed. Nurses make terrible patients; we know too much.
I was on my own when I passed the babies, my husband had to go home to check on Fin. It happened quickly; the pain wasn’t as awful as I feared it might be but I felt hollow. I struggled most handing them over. The lovely Health care assistant got the jist when I passed her a bedpan liner whilst fighting back the tears. 2 tiny babies one placenta and a little piece of my broken heart forever with them.
It has hit me harder this time than some of the other losses. Is it the fact there was 2? The fact I thought our baby loss days and tears were well behind us, the fact I’m older? Or the surrealness, I miscarried twins on the Thursday and spent Friday loaded up with painkillers doing washing, walking the dog, making food and snacks for the kids, painting and doing jigsaws? Attempting to be “fun mum” for the half term!
I’ve doubted myself so much this time, could I have done something different. I should have tried harder not to vomit up the pregnancy vitamins. Why didn’t I put a pillow behind me to stop me rolling on my back in the night. Was lifting my toddler to much. The Nurse in me knows none of the above contributed to the loss of my babies but the mum guilt in me is chipping away.
1 in 4 suffer pregnancy loss, I wonder why I’ve worn that badge 7 times over. I hope I’ve taken someone else’s odds, spared someone else from going through this.
I’m just focusing on the positive, my husband, 2 amazing children, my family, my amazing friends who have sent chocolate and flowers and planned a trip to Barcelona. There is a lot to be grateful for.
I wanted to share this because baby loss isn’t talked about enough. I’ve googled searched many times this week, looking for other people accounts and there isn’t much out there.
To anyone who has been where I am, I’m so sorry for your loss, please know my inbox is always open.
Much love and take care, Kerry x
